Things have changed and stayed the same. The changes are drastic but since my life already outwardly appeared this way it would seem that very few people notice the changes.
I have gone from being a daughter, sister, friend, lover, psuedo mother, unreachable soul, desperate heart, wandering human to a mother, daughter, sister, confidant, friend, trapped heart, thirsty soul, and provider. To me things are so eerily the same as before I ventured out on my own that it seems impossible. Please don’t misunderstand, my life has changed and being everything to another’s life changes a great deal but all the circumstances that I dreaded and sometimes despised are still the same. In my selfish desire to feel momentary gratification and a reprieve from what I imagined was a terrible tragedy I feel as though I created another. My daughter is not a tragedy but to place her in what currently is the exact cycle I fought to get out of feels like one.
For the last year I have depended on and in turn place myself in debt to the very people I was so quick to leave. As much as I am grateful and realize that without them I would be on a much more difficult path, it is becoming hard to not feel the ties that come with that help. Time passes and instead of feeling woven together by the threads of family, support, the community around me I have begun to feel as if those threads that previously wove me together are starting to tie me down or pull me in multiple directions. This is not an easy feeling for me and eventually I will have to cut the strings that cannot be woven into the life I am trying to make for my family. My hope is not placed in things of this world but the faith that today will not crush my spirit for it is with Him and can never be destroyed.
It has been 419 days since he held me, kissed me and asked me to stay. Since that day there have been countless heartaches, mistake, hurts, and tears. Everyday I’ve held onto some part of him that I love, something that I cherish. At times my heart hurts because I know that things can never go back to the way they were. Other times it brings me joy to remember the feeling of being so in love with him.To remember waking up and the first thing I saw was him. He was the first I ever woke up next to and the only who has ever thrilled me just by doing so. The warmth of the sun that blanketed us was nothing compared to the warmth my heart gave me that day, never have I felt anything like that.
On day 300 hundred I found out that one heartache would stay with me for the rest of my life. His response, day 329, “there hasnt been a point since we started talking that i didnt want you. all he wanted was sex and got it, now you have a baby with a guy that doesnt know you, and you dont know what you want. i wish things were different and you still loved me but you obviously dont. have a good life. there is no point in wondering what would of happened or me telling you what i had planned. have a great life im sure you will be a great mom. goodbye. you broke my heart. please dont break anyone elses.”
Start at the very beginning, what’s your name?
let’s just call me Daisy.
Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?
If you were invisible for a day, what would you do?
sitt on a bridge
Does the person you like, like you back?
I like as many people as possible, it’s the best way to live :)
What did you do last night?
forgot myself in a field
Has anybody ever given you butterflies?
Yes, and then he drowned them in acid rain
Are you your mum’s favorite child?
Not at all, she says I remind her of herself.
Are you happy with the way things are going?
Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night?
Yes, it’s a shame really…since my latest job I don’t sleep well at all.
Sleep on your back or stomach?
curled up on my side
What were you doing before this survey?
Cleaning the kitchen and taking care of little foot.
Do you tend to rip the paper off water bottles?
How long does it take for you to fall asleep at night?
:/ lately I just can’t
It’s Thursday night, where are you usually?
Putting little foot to bed.
Your Christmas list consists of?
My friends safely home.
What movie is in your DVD player?
The Princess and the Frog
If you could move away, no questions asked, where would you move?
I did, and I’m here :)
What’s the greatest thing that happened to you today?
Have you ever felt like you weren’t good enough?
What’s going on tomorrow night?
Hopefully I’ll be off on an adventure
Do you know a lot of people with the same phone as you?
Is your hair curly or straight right now?
chaotic is more like it
What do you really think of Starbucks Coffee?
it’s easy, but gross
Does anyone love you?
Yes, but just because somebody loves you doesn’t mean they treat you right.
Want to be taller or shorter?
Even though I am picked on for being short (I’m average) I wouldn’t mind being shorter.
What are you listening to?
The Count of Monte Cristo
When was the last time you really laughed?
on saturday when I played with my nephew
Do you listen to music every day?
Last song you heard?
Bethany Dillon- Why
Is the last person that you had a conversation with a male or a female?
What’s the last thing you said out loud?
How was your day?
Describe how you feel right now in three words:
sore, content, missing
If someone asked you what you wanted, what would you say?
Has a girl sat on your bed before?
little foot is on my bed nearly everyday.
Plans for Saturday?
14 hours of work
Who was the last person besides yourself to touch something on your face?
What was your dream about last night?
I can’t remember, but I woke up reaching for him
Do you have a reason to smile right now?
Where were you at 9 am this morning?
finishing dropping off the kiddos at schools
Everything happens for a reason?
Are you too forgiving?
I have been told that. I can’t quite grasp the concept though.
Do you think people talk about you?
What do you carry with you at all time?
Do you and your parents get along?
This time last year, were you single?
Have you ever been searched by the cops?
Do you always wear your seat belt?
Have you ever liked someone who all your friends hate?
Is there someone you wouldn’t mind kissing right now?
Ever sang a whole song without missing any lyrics?
yep, yep, yep….
Has someone close to you ever told you they were going to commit suicide because of you?
Yes, I nearly killed him myself for scaring me so bad
Do you think you’ve changed over the past year?
Do you care if people talk badly about you?
Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
Where were you at 10:17 pm last night and what were you doing?
I was in the middle of a field snogging
Other than this, what are you doing?
Were you happy when you woke up today?
Who did you last get into a big argument with?
Ryan, because I hurt him.
Last thing you ate?
What are you looking forward to in the next three months?
3 less months without him
Are you a morning person or a night person?
Has anyone sang to you?
How often do you lose your voice?
Honestly, has anyone seen you in your under wear in the past 3 months?
Be honest, do you like people in general?
Does anybody hate you?
I would imagine so
Is there something you’re looking forward to next month?
One less month without him.
Does it bother you when people get drunk?
Are you mad at someone right now?
How often do you hold back from saying what you are thinking?
More then a should
Will tomorrow be a good day?
Do you like hugs and kisses?
What’s on your bed?
far to much laundry, me, my phone, books, cords,
Last person on your bed?
the little foot that I am currently nanny to.
Is there one person in your life that can always make you happy?
I finally did it. A way out presented itself, and I took it. Put on a brave face when I kissed them good bye, just like I do every morning when I stumble into the bathroom to get ready and happen to glance in the mirror. It’s weird how just not looking makes it seem less real. Messages from back there go unanswered most of the time. If I just don’t look back I can’t miss it.
Things weren’t perfect but they were comfortable. So far I’ve yet to meet a person that loves the feeling that comes right at the end of the day. The one you think you’ve escaped, your head hits the pillow and you thank God for another day done…and the then it hits you “this isn’t so great anymore”….or when I go to ask my sister something and she’s not there, she’s not upstairs or at school, she’s not here. She’s back there and someday she’ll have to make the same choice I did, to go and make a life, or wait and let life come. I guess it’s a little of both, waiting for Him to present His plan and then being willing to trust and take what seems like a huge risk. Luckily she’s always been strong, I pray she’s strong enough to trust Him more then what’s going on around her. It wasn’t easy for me, it’s not for anyone.
it’s 1:14 in the morning
and I’m wide awake.
Today was a really long day. Very tiring. I should be crawling into bed, but instead i’m not. For once my mind is tired enough that it’s thinking clearly, weird huh?
Anyway since I’m thinking clearly I thought I’d get it out so I don’t forget. Here goes…..
i got tired…oh well, maybe next time.
I saw a picture of what seems like forever ago, but in reality it hasn’t even been a year. The day that picture was taken
was a perfect day for meI was happy. Playing with my bestfriend, spending time with our families. It was perfect.
Recently I overheard someone say something that made me think really hard about my past relationships. “One thing I’ve learned about love is that it’s forever. So if your telling me now that you just don’t love me anymore and thats why we can’t be together than you never loved me at all”
I loved my bestfriend fiercely and without restraint. My heart ached when we said goodbye and danced everytime we said hello. Just the thought of spending time together made me joyous and my bestfriend was always on my mind!!
When If we argued it was horrible, but neither of us could stay mad for long because there was to much we wanted to do to let anger hold us back.
I realised when I overheard that comment about love that I had spent almost 7 months trying to convince myself that I no longer loved my bestfriend.
Feelings that I once held for them were dead, so I told myself over and over and over.
But that isn’t true and I’ve decided to accept that. My love is not in anyway different for my bestfriend than it was a year ago, 15 months ago, or even 8 months ago. I will always love my bestfriend. Always and forever, but that love is no longer selfish. Although I’m always reluctant to say that I’ve grown up, in this area of life I have……… I guess.
No matter if I never speak to my bestfriend again, or we spend the rest of our lives driving each other crazy, my heart will always be filled with joy when my thoughts turn towards our times together. I’ve learned to let myself enjoy memories instead of letting them haunt me. I’m not sure how I came to this place but I’m glad I have.
Now I get to enjoy all those times we shared, with that same joy they brought me the first time, a million times more.
Somethings go deep, cut to the quick hard to heal deep Sometimes it just seems deep right than but looking back it’s shallow afterall Somethings are meant to be shared with others so that the burden doesn’t overwhelm us and drive us insane Sometimes sharing seems like a burden because the more you share the more people that are hurt by it Something I’ve wondered for a while is how long I’ll feel like I’m caring this around a part of me that was never fully realized Sometime in the future I’ll be able to see that even though those few moments shaped me they don’t define me I am more than my moments I will be a mother someday I know I’m worthy Some people know this but not enough to help me truly remember I never met you but sometimes my heart aches for you. I loved you
it hits you, your happily ever after isn’t going to happen and nobody except the two of you truly knows why. You told your friends and he’ll tell his. Deep down though there will always be that one reason you keep to yourself. Trying to bury it and forget, but at the same time putting that unmarked tombstone is worse than everyone knowing.
happily ever after it wasn’t